Vex and the City

It's Been a Long Time

2010-08-10T23:12:00.000-04:00

I'm back, bitches!

Another Reason I LOVE New York

2009-12-11T21:12:00.000-05:00

Even our homeless people are hilarious!

A day that will live in infamy

2009-12-11T13:04:00.001-05:00

It was confirmed yesterday that Flight of the Conchords will not be having a 3rd season of awesomeness on HBO. This news came straight from the kiwi's mouths. What a bummer, but I'm not crying...

Crossing My Fingers

2009-12-09T16:55:00.002-05:00

My horoscope for today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
A sudden and unexpected visit from someone who lives far away is likely to throw your usual schedule out of kilter, dear Aries. Though you'll be glad to see your friend, the visit may require a lot of telephone calls breaking appointments, etc. Once that process is completed, however, you'll have a good visit. Your friend should have a lot to report to you, and vice versa. You'll talk for hours. Relax and have some fun!

Dear Jeff-fry,

I hope this means that you pulled it off and are able to come to NYC for a surprise weekend visit. If not, I will have lost all faith in astrology. Seriously.

xo,
your bestie

Too bad they didn't listen

2009-12-03T13:38:00.001-05:00

The Other Night I Couldn't Sleep

2009-11-18T14:11:00.001-05:00

Instead, I decided to go through every actor change for Days of Our Lives characters that I could remember from when I was an *avid* watcher in my younger years.

Here we go:

Bo Brady- I started watching when he was played by tall, hot, beefy Bo in the late 80's/early 90's. Unfortunately he wasn't the original and soon short, stalky and monkey-like Bo v1.0 was back for the remainder of my time as a fan.
PS. According to IMDB, his name is Beauregard Aurelius 'Bo' Brady. Fuck yeah.

Vivian Alamain- I just remember them switching from one dumb ginger to another.

Belle Black- The first girl who played her came from the Disney channel- after that it was all downhill. They were constantly trying out new blond-haired, squishy-faced girls to replace Zenon.

Billie Reed- Lisa Rinna, with her crazy hair and enormous lips went on to be replaced by that girl from the elevator scene in Liar Liar. Eh, upgrade I guess.

Austin Reed- The first Austin was (ZOMG!!!!) the same guy who played Jeff, the manager at the Max- aka the reason Kelly and Zach broke-up! Single tear. After that, who cares?

That's all I can remember and yes, I realize *exactly* how cool I am.

What's wrong with this picture?

2009-10-08T20:22:00.002-04:00

(click to enlarge)

PS. NEVER go to a bridal expo, no matter how awesome the honeymoon giveaway grand prize is. I've been harassed by multiple daily emails and weekly phone calls from assholes like the above since January. Grrr!

Thanks, Job!

2009-10-06T19:13:00.005-04:00

I've had a work blackberry for over three years now and have never really had a use for it, until today. Thank baby jeebus for the BB Tour upgrade, otherwise I might not have had a camera to capture this rare beauty:

Welcome to Park Avenue, baby.

In other using-my-new-blackberry-camera-news, these guys are still at it with the Mikes.

Believe me when I say there were even more over the weekend that I didn't get pictures of. This neighbor may be my new Albino Python, but in a good way!

Only watch this if you feel like crying.

2009-10-05T14:16:00.001-04:00

Holy. Crap.

2009-09-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

I came across this on my way to work the other day:

6 cases of Mike's assorted-ades!?!?

This can mean only one of two things- either we have an entire apartment building full of 13 year old girls OR Chris Hanson has set-up shop in the hood!

Let's hope for #2!!!

Oh, Facebook.

2009-09-24T13:55:00.001-04:00

You're such an amusing little beast. Where else could I find this gem:

Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx: i swear to god, if this bitch doesn't process my food stamp application tomorrow i'm burning down her house.

Bragging about being on food stamps in your status update? Why not! But that wasn't the end of it. There were several comments left by others who were also waiting for their food stamps. How can all these people afford computers and the internet but not milk?

It should be noted that the author of the above is what some (doctors, dietitians, nutritionists, etc) would classify as obese. I would love to know how that happens when your monthly stipend of meal tickets is, at least in theory, provided to cover food for one person.

Then there are the facebook quizzes... Normally I hide them as soon as I see any phrase resembling "Which Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Character Are You?" But, for some reason, I noticed the results that this particular chick had posted after taking the Dirty Dancing quiz.

She went to my high school but I never really knew her. She was one of those friend requests that I accepted because a core group of friends had also accepted her request. But even with my limited knowledge, her results could not have been more spot on. Who was her Dirty Dancing doppelganger? Penny Johnson.

Yep. One look at this girl's profile picture and you just *know* she's totally game for (and has probably experienced at least one) rusty wire hanger abortion in the back of some "doctors" van. So I guess those things can be accurate. Good work, facebook!

Things that bring me pleasure

2009-08-25T11:55:00.005-04:00

The movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is certainly one of them. Free lunch is another.

(Click on the image to make it larger)

Being able to successfully reference Ace while ordering that free lunch = Best. Day. Ever.

Fuck you, Brooklyn

2009-08-23T01:14:00.002-04:00

Fuck you at 1:00 am, with your organic and all natural deli foods.

Fuck your soy/non-dairy/vegetarian bullshit excuse for pizza.

Fuck you for having 32 varieties of tofu but not a single package of pepperoni.

Fuck you.

All I want is a goddamn thin, crispy, greasy, and delicious Jacks (or Tombstone).

In closing: fuck you, Brooklyn.

This would be slightly less adorable if he were a midget

2009-07-28T17:01:00.001-04:00

A little bit about me.

2009-07-22T10:26:00.004-04:00

My current phone doesn't automatically delete text messages. I have to do it manually when my inbox starts to fill up. Usually I use the 'delete all' function but for some reason I decided to select each message individually last night. By doing this, I learned something extremely valuable about myself.

You know how there are those people in life that you can confess your inner most fears, hopes, and dreams to? I am not that person. You know the ones that are always there when you need a word of encouragement or just to feel loved and not alone? I am not that person either. After a horrible break-up, the friend who will let you cry on his/her shoulder and spoon feed you 3 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your pajamas while telling you how fabulous you are? Again- not me.

Apparently, this is who I am to people:

Date: June 30, 9:34 am
---
I just crop dusted the library at this high school I'm at... Sounded like a dirt bike in the distance. =)
--
From: JS

Date: July 12, 3:10 pm
--
Just crop dusted a priest!
--
From: EG

Date: July 16, 11:23 pm
--
Crop dusted a group of girls at the bar, then got stuck behind some dude. Bad times :(
--
From: JH

Yup. I'm the person you come to when you need affirmation and praise for purposely farting in public. (I guess Ben is right, I should change the name of this blog)

Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my gassy readers. xoxo!

Pun O'Clock

2009-07-13T16:59:00.003-04:00

According to CNN.com the leader of North Korea has pancreatic cancer.

So in other words, Kim Jong's ill.

ZING!

At least these three liked it...

Gross.

2009-07-01T14:09:00.000-04:00

Bad news for our neighbors to the south (aside from just being New Jersey).

But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'herpes'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'bad decisions'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'overly spray-tanned Guido's'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean '____________'.

Leave your suggestion in the comments section. Best one wins a prize!

Dear Stacey-

2009-06-26T20:03:00.001-04:00

They've been to Brooklyn too!

Mean Girls Don't Stop

2009-06-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

I got the following email from a girl I went to school with. Please note I did not say "friends with." We were never more than classmates. In fact, I used to think I'd be on the top of her "People to Kill" list (a la Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison).

Bella,
I just heard about your engagement. Congratulations. I hope he is a good guy and treats you right. Marriage is what you make it. I'm glad I made the choices I did otherwise I wouldn't be married with my little girl. I hope everything turn s out beautiful for you and hopefully one day I'll get to meet you future husband. Email me your address so I can send you a gift. Talk to you soon.

Of course I think it is totally random and weird that I just got marital advice and should be expecting a gift from this stranger (practically). I had to consult my team of experts. Here is an excerpt from an IM session with one of my homegirls, Bex.

Bella says:
i mean, really? [random girl's name]?
why?!?!
Bex says:
she always wanted to be best buds with you
Bella says:
haha
Bex says:
are you just not going to respond or what are you gonna do
Bella says:
i'll probably respond
because i'll most likely have to see her next year
Bex says:
thats the nice thing to do
Bella says:
i guess, it just seems weird
the email was a nice gesture but to say you want to send a gift seems strange
Bex says:
very weird
Bella says:
right?
Bex says:
she is weird tho
Bella says:
haha
yes
Bex says:
wonder what she would send
Bella says:
haha
i dont know
maybe i should just email her back, thanking her for the well-wishes but not send my address? or does that seem rude?
Bex says:
no thats probably what i would do
Bella says:
ok good
thats what i was thinking
Bex says:
i dont like people knowing my address
Bella says:
i mean, our address isn't even listed on our registries
Bex says:
ya thats completely ok to just thank her
Bella says:
maybe she wants to show that she has $ from her doctor husband?
Bex says:
she does
Bella says:
Dr. Wood
i hope hes a proctologist
Bex says:
i saw her when i was home in feb at don and ggs. she came to my table and thats all she kept saying, my doctor husband, blah blah blah
Bella says:
REALLY?!??!!
i didnt know that!
Bex says:
hes a foot doctor, actually froze a wart off my foot once
Bella says:
HAHAHA
shut the hell up
they are still MI?
Bex says:
ya he works at bluff view, well that little building right next to it
Bella says:
omg
i (heart) this conversation... it may have to go on my blog

And it did!

I guess the moral of this story is that saying your husband is a doctor loses its cache when I know he's frozen a wart off my friends foot. Also, I guess I'm the same catty bitch I was in high school. Oops...

A documentary for right meow

2009-06-25T15:05:00.007-04:00

To quote bestweekever.tv- Here is the trailer for Cat Ladies. It’s like Saw IV: For Ladies:

Brilliant!

Treat Yourselves

2009-06-23T16:19:00.000-04:00

Comfortable situations are foreign to me

2009-06-23T15:15:00.004-04:00

Last week I got a facebook email from a cousin I never talk to. Never. I mean, in the greeting she didn't even spell my goddam name correctly, and its right there on the page!

Anyways, she wanted my real email address so that her husbands sister could contact me about hotels in NY and/or to see if I could get her a good rate. She also asked for the details of my wedding because, her and her sister (my other cousin who I talk to even less) were planning on coming! Imagine my shock- considering neither of them have actually been invited. Ugh. So here we go with the awkward email back saying that "due to budget constraints blah, blah, blah." How ballsy is that though? To just assume you're invited?

Oh! Speaking of putting your foot in your mouth, I almost congratulated a not pregnant woman on being pregnant. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and when I did it was from across the room. She had on a tight tee shirt that was hugging her cute little basketball belly so I yelled, "OMG! I can't believe you're..." then I stopped. She looked at me like, what are you going to say, bitch???

I finished with "...here! It's been so long! How are you? What's new?" That way, if she was in fact pregnant, she could share now. Guess what? She didn't say shit about being with child. Thank GOD I can sometimes filter the garbage that streams out of my stupid mouth.

This makes me sad

2009-05-29T15:05:00.002-04:00

CNN Quick Vote:

Will you watch "The Tonight Show" with Conan O'Brien?

Yes 33% 20680
No 67% 42311

Total Votes: 62991

What's with all the haters? Conedog is the shit! Come back to NYC where you're appreciated!!!

Yikes.

2009-05-29T13:56:00.002-04:00

I just said the following about one of my coworkers:

he's one of those people that you wish his parents were in some super religious cult so he would have been made into a suicide bomber at the age of 12... the world would be a better place

Even I'm offended. Looks like this vacation can't come soon enough.

Trying.

2009-05-19T12:49:00.002-04:00

Today I decided I really wanted to have a good day and not completely hate everything about my job. I was making a conscious effort and the morning went pretty well, actually.

Then lunch time rolled around and I ask one of my many bosses if he'd like lunch, he says yes and gives me his order. Now, this is not a duty that I am required to perform- I ask him out of the kindness of my heart, yet he NEVER gets up and walks the 20 feet to my desk to get his lunch when it arrives. Instead, he sits and waits and watches until I deliver it to him. Today, I didn't even get a thank you. Asshole.

A little while later he barks at me to make him dinner reservations for Friday. He then proceeds to spend the next 25 minutes on the phone talking about some dickish automated golf program that keeps track of the number of times he swings. Seriously? **Oh that must be why you couldn't pick up the phone and call about dinner yourself. You were far too busy working. Doing important work things entirely related to the success of the company and ultimately paying my salary. Thanks. Glad we got that cleared up.**

I still haven't done it. I know he listens to my phone calls so anytime he pulls this type of thing I like to wait until he is away from his desk to make the call. Payoff comes at the end of the day when, finally, in a fit of rage at my clear disregard of his managerial request, he'll try to sound cool and relaxed and not annoyed when he asks, "hey, did you get through to the Palm?"

That's when I like to let out my huge 'are you fucking kidding me when have I ever *not* gotten through to the Palm, I can't believe you are seriously asking me that you ungrateful fucking prick- this isn't even a part of my job' sigh while doing a slow turn towards him then I say in a sarcastic tone,"Yeah. It's alllllll set."

Slow turn back to computer. Hard typing. Secret smiles in my heart, because really, its the small victories.

Sometimes its right on

2009-05-14T16:47:00.003-04:00

My Horoscope from today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
If you feel as though you are having difficulty breathing, dear Aries, or if you are more and more clumsy today, take half an hour to relax in some peaceful garden. Sit down and examine the anger that you have never expressed. It seems it has been transformed into unconscious anxiety. Could it be that you are more discontent with your work than you allow yourself to admit?

Am I more discontent with my work than I allow myself to admit? Please see my post from two days ago. I admit to every bit of my discontentment. Every. God. Damn. Bit.

Nice try though.

Dear Job,

2009-05-12T12:26:00.001-04:00

Eternal Damnation

2009-05-07T15:04:00.004-04:00

I just put a fist full of chips in my mouth that expired on May 06... of 2007. They were supposed to be salt and vinegar flavor but instead they tasted like the first day of school- wood varnish and industrial strength cleaner. Note to self: look at the expiration date before consuming. YUK!

Sir Farts Alot

2009-05-06T18:58:00.003-04:00

Ben thinks my blog pretty much just focuses on farts, so this ones for him.

The other day I get home and my apartment smelled like burnt hair and garbage, so I made a comment to that effect to my roommate, "Bin." Bin said, "Its me, I've had *the worst* gas all day. I just tried lighting some matches and candles before you got home."

But does it end there? Nope. Bin continued to stink up our love nest. I made the mistake of walking over by his desk (he wasn't even near it) and the smell was so unbelievably foul I had to pull out a bottle of Febreeze and coat the chair. I then made it my business to chase him around until I could do the same to the ass of his poor, unsuspecting pants. That didn't solve the problem, but it was a start.

Yes, I Febreezed the love of my life's ass. What of it?

Blah

2009-05-06T18:43:00.003-04:00

I've been fighting a somewhat swiney-flu since last week but the worst of it hit me on the way home tonight. I was on the train and could feel it creeping up- one of those horrendous coughing spells (as my grammy would call it) where you think you're not going to stop until you puke. I tried to do a polite little cough into my hand then hold the rest in but it exploded out of me like an exorcised demon. My eyes immediately began to water, snot gushed from my nose, I was gaging and couldn't catch my breath. I genuinely thought I was going to vom on the 6 train, while everyone around me starred like I had the goddamn plague. To top it all off I didn't even have a tissue :(

Side note- the girl who had the word "Sexy" tattooed in cursive on her neck, surprisingly wasn't.

I need to grow up

2009-04-29T14:43:00.002-04:00

My soon to be sister-in-law posted a link on Facebook regarding the Swine Flu. Here is the URL from when the page was loading:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Farticles.mercola.com%2Fsites%2Farticles%2Farchive%2F2009%2F04%2F28%2FSwine-Flu.aspx&h=6ff375c5c7fc7241c52c5b18790180c6

Does anyone else see the word "Farticles" in there? Not once, but twice!!!

I'm still giggling...

Epp-A-Dem-Ick

2009-04-27T16:34:00.002-04:00

Is anyone else so over all of this swine flu baloney?

D-effing-lightful!

2009-04-21T14:55:00.002-04:00

Here is some new footage of those two Domino's workers that got me off of pizza and hoagies for at least the next two months:

Nasty Domino's Workers - UNSEEN FOOTAGE! - watch more funny videos

"Who likes fartin' on sammitches?"

Ready to feel good about life?

2009-04-16T13:37:00.003-04:00

On Sunday, April 5, 2009, someone found my blog by googling the exact phrase "devouring a turd."

That completes me.

3/28-4/16

2009-04-16T13:23:00.002-04:00

Yikes. Sorry. Some stuff has happened in the past few months. Would you like to hear about it? Oh, good! Here goes-

Wedding planning! Yay!!!! *Cartoon hearts* *baby dogs* *candy canes* *tiny cupids floating around in diapers*! Ok so maybe its not actually that much fun (but I feel guilty when I complain about it because its supposed to be such a wonderful experience blah, blah, blah). But seriously, why does it have to be so frustrating? I was told the original venue we wanted for the reception won't be big enough and the new room has zero windows, the *worst* carpeting ever, and MUSTARD YELLOW BANQUET CHAIRS. Jesus, really? Good thing the theme is going to be "Feels Just Like Grandpa's Shitty 1972 Oldsmobile." Favors will include a pack of Lucky Strikes, a pine-scented air freshener, and one of these.

I strongly dislike twitter. I don't really have a good reason, in fact I've never been on it, but I have been on the new facebook. And I imagine twitter being like the most annoying parts of the new facebook without any redeeming qualities like being able to look at pictures of people you used to know while laughing at how bad they look now. Oh and you know what else? Your top 5 list of who-fucking-cares actually made it on my top 5 list of reasons why I fucking hate you. Isn't that neat?

It would appear that not blogging for several months has turned me into a raging bitch. Also, I just discovered that I cannot blog and listen to my Ipod at the same time, which is sad.

On a good note, I saw the Flight of the Conchords last night and it was even more amazing than I hoped it would be. The acoustic version of Sugar Lumps was simply delicious!

And I promise I'll try to eat more fiber (be more regular- for those of you who aren't into poop-humor).

Old people + the internet= GOLD MINE!!!

2009-03-28T10:54:00.002-04:00

Teach your grandpa how to upload videos today!

The distance between us is ever so apparent...

2009-03-26T13:03:00.003-04:00

I had one of those days where I wanted to find old friends on Facebook. There was one girl in particular I wanted to find, lets call her Karin. Karin and I were the bestest of best friends growing up. Like, we were completely inseparable- until her family moved.

Even after the move we stayed friends though. I'd see her every Christmas and usually once during the summer, as most of her family still lived in the area. I remember having crushes on several of her cousins that I'd meet at various family functions. Most notable was Kenneth, because I kept asking him, "What's the frequency, Kenneth ?" thinking it would be cute or funny or whatever (because I'm sure he'd never heard that one before). Ugh. Anyways, I digress. As the years went by we eventually lost touch. I hadn't thought about her in a long time but recently my mom was telling me how she ran into one of Karin's aunts.

So I looked her up on the old F-book and sent out my friend request. It was accepted a few hours later and of course I went to her page to see what she's been up to. I saw the following:

Political Views: Conservative

Religious Views: Romans 8:38-39

I think to myself, ok so we've certainly followed different paths since the good old days of playing barbies and secretary (yes, we used to play secretary- don't judge). But the kicker really came when I was browsing her personal interests section which included this lil nugget: "impromptu Bible studies." My old best friend, the person I was so similar to in my youth, enjoys impromptu Bible studies so much that she included it on her personal internet profile?

To each their own, but yikes, that's hardcore. I've never been to a planned Bible study, let alone a spontaneous, off-the-cuff let's just sit down right here in this Starbucks and dive into some First Corinthians for the sheer fun of it type shit.

But to be fair, she's probably lighting a candle for me right now considering my profile states that I'm a Libertarian whose religious view is "we follow the hawk" and my favorite book is "My signed copy of "I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability" by Ron "Tater Salad" White."

An Important Message From Vex and the City

2009-03-02T17:45:00.004-05:00

Sorry. I know, I know- I'm a huge slacker and a disappointment overall. Lay off me, mom.

I'll get back into the swing of this whole blogging thing soon, but for now I had to share something very important regarding a cause that is close to my heart- Yorkies.

I came across this link: http://stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com/2007/08/18/ which had this *adorable* picture:

Do you see what I see?

It seems that somebody at People magazine forgot to photoshop this little guys red-wiener out. Either that or they wanted to graphically illustrate just how turned on your dog will be when wearing one of these wigs.

***We here at Vex and the City do not approve of the sexual objectification of baby Yorkies to further the capitalist agenda of corporate America.***

****We do, however, approve of such objectification if it is used to further the humor agenda of blogging America.****

Thank you.

Hahahahahahahhaha!

2009-02-04T17:19:00.004-05:00

Religion is funny.

Yeah its a little long but the first few minutes are bearable. Oh and you can get your Ex-Masturbator shirt at P4CM.Com. Holla at First Corinthians 6:9... Irony.

Wow

2009-01-30T16:39:00.004-05:00

Today I was spending a little time putting addresses into my wedding master excel file and I noticed something kind of funny. One of my aunts has the following address:

PO Box 11
Hurley, WI

As in, she was the 11th person in the entire town to sign up for a PO box. It's not like she's been there since the 1880's. I don't know, that just made me giggle.

Happy Friday Everyone!

2009-01-30T14:46:00.003-05:00

Here is a delightful video of adorable kitties riding a vacuum cleaner:

Some good news-

2009-01-29T17:53:00.002-05:00

Aries 1/29/09
March 21 - April 19
Issues involving fashion, magazines, and the spoken or written word will all begin to take a slow turn in a positive direction today, dear Aries. You may find that these things have been somewhat obscured lately, or at least development in these areas has been in more of a backward rather than a forward motion. The good news is that the tide is turning, and you should notice over the next few weeks that things are getting back on track.

Apparently my blog has been lacking content due to Venus being in the house of Jupiter's second moon (or something of the sort). I'd also like to blame my inability to properly accessorize on this as well.

Thank God that's over. I promise to be more vigilant with posting. Hearts!

WTF Detroit?!?!

2009-01-29T14:51:00.003-05:00

A dead guy found in a block of ice?

Yikes.

In Exactly One Year-

2009-01-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

I will be marrying into this:

Great comfort at a most pleasant price... Can't wait!

Props to Em for the video :)

Memories

2009-01-19T13:19:00.004-05:00

I couldn't sleep last night. I was having one of those nights where my mind just wandered to completely random stuff. For some reason I was thinking back to 5th grade.

I remember an older girl being pregnant. I think she was a Kinnunen or a Kitzman. But for me to have seen her, she would have only been in 8th grade (it was a K-8 school). Anyways, the whole thing stands out because of the sweatshirt she was wearing over her visibly preggo belly. It had a big picture of a Hershey Kiss on it and said "It all started with a Kiss." I remember thinking that was the most dirty and gross and disgusting thing I'd ever seen.

The thought of that shirt consumed me and now I'm not even sure it was true or accurate. Can anyone confirm that there was indeed, a pregnant scummy kid in our elementary school?

First off-

2009-01-14T15:47:00.002-05:00

In singular form it's spelled with a "y" not "ie"

Secondly- What. The. Fuck. Are you serious with that headline?

*Please* put a gag order on the proceedings. Thanks.

Well, its finally happened.

2009-01-14T12:05:00.004-05:00

Steelcase has managed to combine my two least favorite activities into a single horrible, unnecessary contraption. Behold the Walkstation:

Ugh... work + exercise = more incentive to call out sick.

Why would anyone ever use this? My heart is filled with hatred and rage just looking at it. Now I need to distract myself with an lolcat.

Enough already.

2009-01-09T15:56:00.002-05:00

Two questions-

Where did he find a leotard that size?
Did anyone else see his chubby man-bits flop out a few times?

Sorry sister, you're never going to be this guy.

Also-

2009-01-08T18:56:00.002-05:00

That last post was the first to be published from my beautiful new Mac! Holla!

What the Fuck, Union Square?

2009-01-08T18:28:00.002-05:00

For the past 5 days its smelled like an airport bathroom in the entire L section at Union Square. And not just any airport bathroom- I mean the first one available after a cross country flight where they were serving Natty Ice and Indian food to fat old people with IBS. The one where half of the toilets can't even flush after the torment they've endured. You know what I mean.

It smells like someone took every horrific odor known to man, condensed them into a single liquid, and then poured that liquid over every HVAC component on that level of the underground. The air is a thick diarrhea-fart stew that burns my nose hairs and makes me dizzy every time I smell it (which is at least twice a day).

As gross as I'm trying to be, I feel I'm barely doing the stink justice. It is unholy. What the fuck, Union Square?

If you can watch this without laughing, you aren't human:

2008-12-29T16:06:00.001-05:00

Thanks Age!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T12:00:00.003-05:00

Hooray! We did it!!! The 25 days of Vexmas challenge is officially over! Thanks for all your support these past few weeks, its been a real thrill.

'Twas the night before Christmas...

2008-12-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

Here's to hoping Wadadli Claus stops by your house tonight and fills your stocking with all the roast beef your heart desires! Xoxo!

}: |

2008-12-23T14:56:00.005-05:00

Why do people lean against the hand railing on the train? I had my fingers squished between the pole and some old lady's gunt for my entire ride on the subway today. Sick.

Seriously, just think about that for a minute. A strangers fupa was resting on my knuckles for a good 25 minutes straight. Enjoy the rest of your day.

3 days to go

2008-12-22T17:14:00.003-05:00

Sorry, but this is too amazing not to post. Plus I was at a baby shower all afternoon so I didn't really have time to get creative. My only comment is that baby showers are *super* boring. Don't have kids.

Enjoy the video:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

Thanks for the hot tip, Richard Tucker and send your sister my best!

BIG NEWS

2008-12-21T20:15:00.005-05:00

I'd like to take this moment to make a very big announcement in my life. After many months of contemplating, I've finally made my decision. One that will, without question, impact the rest of my life. After this Christmas I am officially converting.

That's right, I'm getting a Mac and could not be more excited! Thank you to everyone who helped me make this enormous decision, I couldn't have done it without you!

Last Night-

2008-12-20T21:44:00.002-05:00

- The President of my company kept telling Ben and I we shouldn't wait until 2010 to get married- not even January of 2010 because he regrets not having kids sooner, but he doesn't want a girl and his son will get NONE of his money (um, what?)

- Shortly after the above, he gave the most disgusted look when we told him we were thinking of having the wedding in Puerto Rico

- Every interaction with any of my bosses was as awesomely awkward as the last two

- There wasn't enough food :( not to mention that I didn't even get ONE spring roll

- Everyone got pretty wasted (yay open bar!!)

- There was a disturbing amount of dry humping going down on the dance floor

- I got called snow white by some random girl after she snapped picture of me

- One of the employees kept telling my homo friend that she could "turn him"

- A few hours later, the same chick tried to kiss me then tried to get her boyfriend to kiss me, so that was totally sweet

Overall, the company party was a success!

The Holidays, Part 2

2008-12-19T16:51:00.001-05:00

My office holiday party is tonight... Normally I'm totally down for free food and booze but this is basically being at work only trading internet access and a comfy chair for shitty music and temperate appetizers. Awesome.

Below is a list of things that will help distinguish between 'work' and 'work party':

-Everyone will be slightly better dressed
-I will be gossiping by having an actual conversation, not via MSN messenger
-99.9% of the people there will be at ease knowing they don't have to hide the smell of alcohol on their breath for once

That's pretty much it.

Metabolize This

2008-12-18T16:52:00.003-05:00

I recently started a new vitamin regimen. I've been taking D, B-complex, B-12, and Lysine. Vitamin D is supposed to help with my seasonal affective disorder, the B's are for energy/metabolism/nervous system health, and Lysine helps build amino acids. Its been 6 weeks and the only change I've noticed is that the color of my pee is now what can only be described as radioactive yellow. So that sucks.

PS. Really Jeff? Was this better than seeing a small child screaming obscenities at his mother or the new FOTC season 2 premier? Really??? I bet every other Vex reader would have rather seen another video.

Best. Day. EVER!!!!

2008-12-17T13:20:00.002-05:00

Season 2 Online Premiere - Flight of the Conchords (US Only) - watch more funny videos

Hell yes.

9 more to go

2008-12-16T17:00:00.002-05:00

Here's another kid I'd love to adopt:

and you better believe I wouldn't feed him that anemic f*cking bread.

Grab-ass Galore!

2008-12-15T16:36:00.001-05:00

It must be the season of random grab-ass. There was a group of us drinking on the lower east side on Saturday (happy birthday again, Jose) and a few of the girls kept noticing their bums getting groped. Like hardcore groping, not just a little sideswipe or a goose- he was squeezing handfuls of ass as if he were kneading dough.

Turns out it was this super flamboyant looking dude (see: totally gay and not fooling anyone) wearing a teal scarf. We established it was him and were talking loud enough to be heard so he took off. But my little firecracker of a friend, Emilie, went running after him and yelling, "Everyone knows what you do! You're pathetic!" It was awesome!

But seriously, what a fucking perv- who does that?

I Heart NY

2008-12-14T22:11:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went to see the big tree at Rockefeller Plaza. I know, I'm a good friend and a *great* tour guide- but that's not the point. As we were walking on the concourse level with all of the restaurants I saw a big lady eating an even bigger TCBY ice cream cone. She went to take her first bite, stopped, pulled out her camera, held the icy treat at arms length, took a picture and then put the camera away and began devouring the cone. It was pretty awesome. Everyone was watching and thinking the same judgy thoughts. Guess you had to be there.

Death becomes me

2008-12-13T22:16:00.002-05:00

Note to self: you are no longer a teenager and should stop drinking like you are. I stayed out until 3 am last night celebrating life/visiting with old friend and I'm still hung over at 10:15 pm. Laaaaaaaaame :(

Side note: Other Jeff, please don't be such a hater just because there won't be any sleep till Brooklyn. Thanks.

Dear employer and all 7 of my bosses,

2008-12-12T16:20:00.001-05:00

Oh, kewl.

2008-12-11T15:46:00.005-05:00

Fingerless gloves are totally in right now and that's fine, I just have one tiny complaint. I've seen several people who have clearly just cut the toe part off of a pair of socks to wear them as said gloves, thinking nobody would notice the difference. Well ladies, people do notice. And they judge you. And they also think you should stop taking fashion cues from homeless people. That's all.

Uh, no thank you.

2008-12-10T16:40:00.004-05:00

I really hope this is fake... It appears that someone has written a cookbook full of semen based recipes.

*GAG*

What the fuck is wrong with people?

One of these days, I just might

2008-12-09T11:34:00.005-05:00

Sometimes when I'm riding the subway I find myself day dreaming that I get up in the middle of the crowded train and start rapping along with whatever Tupac/Dre/Biggie jam is playing on my iPod.

It's all very movie like: I get up and I'm totally into it and rapping my ass off while everyone on the train is looking at each other like "who the hell is this little white chick trying to drop rhymes? Psshhh, whateva." But a few verses in they are all clapping and yelling and cheering me on like a scene from 8 Mile. Maybe even a few of the video-hoe looking ones are helping out with the chorus. It always ends with the passengers looking at each other like, "oh snap! we just served by baby guurl!" and in true gangsta fashion I kiss my two fingers as I peace-out and step off the train without ever looking back.

I fucking love that!

Anyways, I was in the middle of that scene last night while listening to Nothin but a "G" Thang and everything was going according to plan until I got to the line "Well I'm peepin', and I'm creepin', and I'm creep-in
But I damn near got caught, 'cause my beeper kept beepin'." It made me realize that not all old school hip-hop is as timeless as I like to think. Who the hell uses a beeper? More over, who raps about having one?

I guess I remember when beepers were cool and the hottest new gadget but Jesus, Dre, you *had* to know that wouldn't last forever. What a shame they can't all be universally cool themes like "who gives a fuck about hoes? So just chill, 'til the next episode..."

Yay!!!!

2008-12-08T17:57:00.002-05:00

My friend and creator of the 25 days of Vexmas challenge, Jeff, is coming to NYC this weekend! Yay! Thank you Fox News people for fucking up your office chairs. Without you, there would be no reason for his company to fly him out here on the most eventful and jam packed weekend of the year! See ya Thursday, Francisco!

201

2008-12-07T21:03:00.002-05:00

I just had my improv 201 show at the UCB. Everything went really well, except for this one scene in which one of my male classmates kept grabbing the ass of a female classmate. It was super creepy and uncool.

What may have been worse was his attempt at justification for it afterwards. He tried to argue the point that "people are cool with it" and everyone should "expect things like that." Yes, because molestation is a form of comedy in some circles. All I remember is feeling the collective cringe of everyone on stage and in the audience. Thanks, creepy former classmate!

The Holidays, Part I

2008-12-06T17:53:00.005-05:00

We put up our miniature Christmas tree and it looks pretty sad now that we're living in a place that's bigger than a shoebox. What's worse is that Wadadli has taken a real liking to the golden bead garland. We came home to a pile of loose beads and I'm positive he ate a few because he's a disgusting animal that will literally eat anything. Now every time he poops I stare like I'm expecting him to lay little golden eggs. None yet, but I'll keep you posted...

Crap!

2008-12-05T22:06:00.002-05:00

I stayed home from work today so I almost forgot to blog! Nothing too crazy to report on, unless you consider making a delicious tortilla soup with chicken, lime and smoked chilies 'crazy.' Someday I'll put the recipe up here because it's f-ing amazing... For now, I have popsicles to eat and Dexters to watch so I'm out. Happy Friday!

A Regret.

2008-12-04T17:11:00.003-05:00

Last night as Eric and I walked to the subway we saw these Memorex cabs parked on 60th Street with a microphone set up and people trying to get you to sing for a ride. We looked at each other and said we should *totally* do it but when the guy asked us we chickened out and went our seperate ways.

As I walked down the steps the guy yelled to me again, "Come on! Your boyfriend really wants to do it!" I giggled but kept going. Once under ground I began to regret not taking a ride in the Karaoke Cab because, damn it, it would have been fun! So I secretly vowed to myself that I would do it if I ever saw them again. Lucky for all of us, they are roaming the streets of New York until December 23rd!!! What are the odds they'll have Womanizer as a song choice?

I really am an asshole.

2008-12-03T16:24:00.000-05:00

Consider this part 2.

A few Christmases ago I ran into a friend from high school that I hadn't seen in several years (lets call her "Nicole"). You have to understand, "Nicole" was never fat, she just had a little more T&A than most of us (lucky bitch). Anyways, she looked amazing so I knew I just *had* to compliment her. We hugged, said hello and then I exclaimed, "OMG! You look great! Did you lose like, 500 pounds?" I felt so confident that I just said the most flattering thing in the history of the world until she made a weird face and tried to laugh while saying, "Um, no. That would mean that I weighed 645 pounds before."

In my defense, I was a slightly drunk. Here is a sampling of my inner monologue right before it happened: "Wow! She looks good, I think she lost weight. I should ask her. Do I say 15? No. That just sounds dumb. 50? Not quite dramatic enough...500? YES! I will ask this girl who I haven't seen in 3 years if she has lost 500 pounds because that will show that I think she looks good and is fit and healthy. Splendid!"

What a horrible, horrible idea. I still get embarrassed when I think about it. In fact, whenever I think of "Nicole" now I think of that and I just imagine her stewing and hating me ever since. It bothers me so much that I often think about emailing her an apology (but if she somehow forgot all about it I wouldn't want to bring it up and maker her remember how much of an asshole I was). On the other hand, I don't want her to think that I honestly thought she was 500 lbs overweight. Christ. What's a girl to do? Seriously, she's coming to NYC and I will likely be hanging out with her. Do I apologize for my not-so-complimentary 'compliment' or just act like it never happened?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

I've Been Challenged!

2008-12-02T17:30:00.003-05:00

Loyal Vex reader Jeff G. has challenged me to the "25 days of Vex-mas" post-a-day until Christmas. Well my friend, you are on. Consider this my post for December 2nd.

Long before Sandler's Piece of Shit Car, der were Da Yoopers

2008-12-01T15:40:00.002-05:00

(I couldn't decided which of these to post so you get both)

And to top it all off:

For those of you who don't know, these are some serious local celebrities in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Kanye West ain't got shit on Conga se Menne, eh!

Oh look, its Pikachu!!!

2008-11-24T12:22:00.005-05:00

I haven't said too much about the new girl in my office. Maybe its because I've been trying really hard not to hate her or the fact I've been trying to think positive in general (I feel like my bitterness and negativity takes over my whole personality and that's not cute). Anyways, when she drops a golden nugget of stupidity, how can I not share it with you?

She was just stamping envelopes and asked me, "Stockholm? Is that in Seattle?"

Jesus H. Christ, its a good think her ta-ta's are the size of something you'd seen in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...

Why are the gays SO hot?

2008-11-21T13:52:00.001-05:00

Seriously. I couldn't move like that if I was on fire.

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!

2008-11-13T15:59:00.005-05:00

Last week we were at the dog run and it was an extremely active day for some reason. The dogs were playing and chasing each other and sprinting in circles. All of a sudden, this medium sized dog came at me so fast I didn't even have time to comprehend what was going on. Before I could move he ran head first into my legs and completely clothes lined me!

The dog didn't even pause but I went flying ass over tea kettle into the dirt. I was in shock when I got up and just started laughing but then the pain started to sink in. 5 days later I have this to show for my canine hit and run:

What do you mean the title has nothing to do with the post?

Oh God, Part 2

2008-10-30T16:30:00.006-04:00

I just farted (rather standard part of my work day) only this time it made a pretty loud noise (not so standard). There's no way it went unheard but nobody has said anything yet. FUCK! What is wrong with today?!?!

Oh God.

2008-10-30T14:23:00.002-04:00

My CFO's fly is WIDE open. He keeps coming up to my desk to ask me questions and his gaping business is right in my face. ARG! Where am I supposed to look?!?!? Somebody should really tell him.

steam coming out of my ears like a cartoon-

2008-10-29T14:29:00.003-04:00

That's how I feel when people misuse a word (because they don't understand the meaning) especially when they are only using the word to establish their knowledge about a particular subject.

I just got off of a web marketing conference call with the biggest douche water reservoir in the history of douchedom and he always pulls that shit. Please stop talking about the number of 'hits' your website receives. That hasn't been a valid unit of measure for at least 3 years. Please don't use the word 'bounce' to describe anytime somebody leaves your website. It pertains to a very distinct action and every time you say it I want to punch you in the throat.

These are the only two examples I have right now and I apologize for how topical they are but you get what I mean, right? It's like when I say 'stat' in front of my doctor friends (talking about you, Age and Phoebs). Maybe that's a bad example... Anyways, just think of a term that is really super specific to your particular industry and imagine a French Canadian turd box misusing this term repeatedly while having the attitude that he totally nailed it and everyone should be thoroughly impressed at his mental prowess. Fucking cock fucker ass wad.

Whew, I feel better!

I feel so rusty :*(

2008-10-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

So, I've spent the past week in a nyquil induced haze, but that's no excuse. Sorry I've been slacking on my blogging... I don't know where my creativity went. Anyways I thought we could get back to some good old Vex basics with a completely random list. Here goes:

- I'm really digging Mad Men. If you haven't seen it, you should totally check it out. And bring me a scotch while your up, sweetheart.

- Being sick has really messed with my digestive system. My morning poops have been coming in the afternoon and my after lunch poops have been coming after work.

- I've also had outrageously big farts. I had the absolute longest fart of my life yesterday and it felt so amazing I had to draw of picture of it. At the end of the 'fart trail' it turned into a little heart, because it felt like love.

- Not that I really care, but I should know better than to do the above at work while having zero sense of smell. Sorry to any co-workers who had to walk past my desk. I guess that's why you sent me this story.

- I've been a little obsessed with the new Britney Spears song ever since I heard it 50 times at the gay bar last weekend. The only thing that worries me is that during the chorus it sounds like she's saying "you want some butta?" Has anyone else noticed that?

- Keith Olbermann is hilarious (and not just because he's been on The Soup).

- Anybody want to puppy sit while Ben and I are in Puerto Rico for 4 days? I'll bake cookies and stock the fridge with your favorite food/beer/opiates... think about it and get back to me.

- I genuinely want to adopt this kid:

Here's one more like that. LOVE HIM!!!

Let the comments begin...

Speaking of Awesome Videos

2008-10-09T13:47:00.000-04:00

Welcome to bizarreoland!

So Gangsta:

2008-10-09T12:35:00.000-04:00

GROSS!

2008-10-07T14:27:00.006-04:00

(click to enlarge)

...thanks EG!

Dear Eric,

2008-10-02T15:45:00.003-04:00

Sends her love. And her leotards.

xoxo!

Vegas: one picture sums it up

2008-10-02T15:32:00.003-04:00

From a souvenir shop on the Strip:

Vegas, baby! Classin' up America since 1905!

it just keeps getting better-

2008-10-01T13:23:00.003-04:00

Ahhh, Sarah Palin... First off, I love how Katie Couric has become this super ball-busting bitch over the course of two interviews. Props- take that good ol' boys club!

Anyways this clip is amazing for several reasons. Sarah Palin says she reads all of them. All of the newspapers. Well, at least a vast variety of them. Yup. No wonder why she can't remember the name of any one in particular- names would just be cluttering the space in her mind where she has categorically stored so much important, factual information over the past 44 years. She manages to get offended by the question (for which she has NO answer) and turns it on Katie, making it seem like Katie just insulted her 'microcosmic' state of Alaska.

Palin gets more nervous about newspaper names than I do when Ben's parents asks me if I've read any good books lately. At least I can come up with something like, "Well I just finished reading one by Martha Stout, PhD. who conducted a study about the rate of sociopaths in modern American society. It was truly fascinating." End of discussion.

The more I hear her speak, the more I am convinced that she's actually W. with a set of tits and some funky glasses.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

2008-09-29T17:06:00.001-04:00

Wadads is officially an LOL dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

see more puppies

ugh.

2008-09-29T15:31:00.003-04:00

Ben was gone this weekend so Wadadli and I had some serious bonding time. It was pretty great for the most part, we just hung out and ate delivery in our sweatpants. The only bad thing was at night when he heard a door open or someone walking up the steps he'd freak out and start barking. I think he thought it was going to be his daddy coming home, but it never was :*(

Anyways, last night he was pretty good. I woke up at about midnight to his cute little body curled up in my face and a really weird smell. He had been having *extremely* bad gas all weekend so I laughed and sarcastically asked him if he shit the bed. As I rolled over the smell got worse and the laughter stopped. I jumped up and turned on the lights to see him trying to bite off a pinkie finger-sized dingleberry that had partially smeared on the duvet. I grabbed him and a wad of kleenex and pulled the turd from his little rear. He ran off in shame as I gaged and cleaned off the bedding.

Of course I had to call Ben and let him know what just happened. I was looking for Wadadli so could he get scolded by his daddy on speakerphone and when I eventually found him, he was devouring a turd the size of a bratwurst. What. The. Fuck??!?!? Who eats poop???

Being a single parent sucks and why does my dog always have fecal issues?

I would love to help you manage your millions.

2008-09-17T13:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Friend,
I know this letter will definitely come as a surprise to
you but I hope as you read on, you will come to understand.
I have decided- after about four and a half month of
thinking about the whole issue- to seek your help in carrying out my last wishes. I don?t really know you but I have prayed, thought about it and moreover I have no choice now and for another reason I
prefer not to disclose. My names are Mrs. Evelyn Sanchez. I
am 67 years old and was born and grew up in Malaga, Spain. I
and my late husband had two children but as God would have
it.
They died in an auto accident six years ago. Before this
happened, my business and concern for making money was all
I lived for. I never really cared about other values in
life. But since the loss of my family, I have found a new
desire to assist helpless families. I have been helping
orphans in orphanages/motherless babies? homes, especially
in Africa. I have also donated some funds for humanitarian
aid and rehabilitation of prostitutes in Rio de janiero,
Brazil, when I was healthier.
I know by now you might be wondering why this entire long
letter.Presently, I am hospitalized having been diagnosed
with terminal cancer of the lungs with but a few months to
live. I can no longer talk and I am just able to use the
laptop. I am not afraid of death any longer though.
Like I told you earlier, my husbands business and mine
really thrived when I was healthy and He alive. We really worked hard for the sake of our children. As my health deterioted, my
extended family members swooped down on everything my
husband and I worked hard to earn. Seeing that there are no
offspring(s) to inherit it coupled with the fact that I am
dying. They never really liked me anyway but my husband
stood by me all those years.
This is my plea; I made most of my money through exporting
vintage wines to African countries like South Africa, Benin
Republic and Nigeria. One of the companies that owed me at
Cross River State, Nigeria sent me an email 5 months ago.
They have paid my fund totaling six Million Three Hundred
and Twenty Thousand USA dollars into my account over there.
I don?t have need for this fund anymore. I made money out
of Africa and now that I am dying, I want to give back to
them. If you agree to help me as I pray you will. I will
get you in contact with my Account Manager over there.(Mr.
Maurice Phido).I will also furnish you with all the
necessary documents that will help you receive the fund
soonest.
All I need from you is to assure me as follows:
1. That you will get in contact with my Account Manager as
soon as we agree.
2. That as soon as I am able to furnish you with all
necessary details and documents involved, you will do all within your means to get the fund even in the event of my demise.
3. That you will help me to distribute 50% of this fund to
Orphanages/motherless babies homes and viable
Non-Governmental Organizations engaged in the eradication of poverty among African children and 25% in the same kind of organizations
in other parts of the globe.
4. Use 5% of the fund to reimburse yourself of any
exigencies you might incur in the process of receiving and distributing the fund.
5. The balance of 20% is for you.
I am really sorry for any in convenience this letter might
have caused you.I pray my terms are okay by you? If so, get back to me
so I can direct you to my Account Manager for all further
correspondence.
God Bless You,
Evelyn Sanchez.

This sounds pretty solid. Let me go ahead and get my bank account number to Mrs. Evelyn Sanchez so she can wire me the remainder of her funds. If anyone else wants to join in, just email dirty Ms. Sanchez at evelynsanchez111@hotmail.com or evelynsanchezbyme@gmail.com. I'd be happy to share my 20% of 6.4 million... Come on kids, what do you have to lose?

bastard from a basket.

2008-09-05T12:46:00.006-04:00

Who knew Daniel Plainview

would change his name and evolve into this hit-machine:

So, ladies and gentlemen... if he says he's the Scatman you will agree.

I fucking hate people

2008-09-03T09:36:00.002-04:00

I hate people because:

- they never walk fast enough
- they cut you off
- they stand *way* to close to you and smell like an 8th grader (see: sweat and too much Brute)
- they wear stupid fucking white sketcher tennis shoes with their douchey office skirt (two words ladies: ballet flats, get familiar for Christs sake)

Clearly this list will be continued...

ha...

2008-08-28T16:28:00.003-04:00

My new (and soon to be gone) worlds most horrendous temp LOVES to say, "Oh! It's the funniest thing" before or after telling a story. If it was really the funniest thing I wouldn't be able to hear you say that because I'd be laughing too fucking hard, no?

She's a new breed of like ghetto/Brooklyn/crazy. Ghetbrazy? Maybe that was trying too hard. Anyways, today she was telling me about how she needs to start collecting child support from her "daughters father" which is just the new way of saying baby-daddy. She proceeds to tell me all about him and his new wife and how he hasn't paid her anything in the 5 years since they had this love child.

I don't know her, but I know more about her finances than I do about my own. She's always on the phone trying to hustle friends for money. Last week she was trying to shake down her brother, who works at Filene's Basement, for $50 for a pair of boots. Who the hell? What? Who does that? She's been at this shithole for all of like 8 days... Oh and did I mention that she calls the CFO her boo? Yeah, not to his face (I don't think) but when he walks by she'll giggle and say, "dat my boo."

Where do I find these people? I guess this will teach me for hiring someone because they said the phrase "Champagne taste on a Capri Sun budget" in the interview...

Holla!

2008-08-27T15:07:00.004-04:00

I effing love Google Analytics. Without it, I would've never known that somebody found my blog today by searching the exact phrase "deepthroat a dildo." While I am certainly not opposed to that kind of language, I'm fairly sure I've never used or typed that expression before in my life. Amazing!

Also-

2008-08-26T14:39:00.003-04:00

one of the Google Image Search results for "Lawerence from Office Space" lead me to this photo-

which is nice, considering how I feel about these mozzarella douche-nozzles...

What do you get when you mix this:

2008-08-26T12:11:00.009-04:00

With this:

Answer: the greasy haired mullet man that single-handedly destroyed our softball team last night. And his wife, who was also on the team, was just as scary. Yikes.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-22T17:33:00.003-04:00

It's the one year anniversary of Vex and the City (dot blogspot dot com)!!! It seems like only yesterday I was obsessing over the Albino Python and her crazy antics.

Thanks for reading and here's to one more year of semi-regular, semi-entertaining posts! I love you all!

Oh hey!

2008-08-22T13:08:00.005-04:00

Long time no see. I was feeling creatively tapped so I apologize for the lack of posts recently. I do have a few updates to report on:

1. Its official: I hate Focaccia. At least this time I have French Onion au jus to dip it in. I'm actually only using the disgusting flour-bread as a vessel to bring me the delicious French Onion flavor. Thanks Outback!

2. I'm going to Las Vegas in less than a month with my 3 childhood BFFs and I cannot wait!!!

3. One possible reason for the lack of creativity is that I've been taking an improv class at the UCB and maybe I use up all my funny there. Its fucking amazing and I can't believe its taken me this long to get into it. I'll keep you all posted on our final performance, it'll probably be a disaster- I mean hilarious.

4. I am really, really, genuinely hoping for a second season of Kid Nation. Seriously. It was easily one of the best shows that was on TV last year. For those of you who have never had the pleasure, I suggest watching all the episodes immediately.

Vex and the City

It's Been a Long Time

Another Reason I LOVE New York

A day that will live in infamy

Crossing My Fingers

Too bad they didn't listen

The Other Night I Couldn't Sleep

What's wrong with this picture?

Thanks, Job!

Only watch this if you feel like crying.

Holy. Crap.

Oh, Facebook.

Things that bring me pleasure

Fuck you, Brooklyn

This would be *slightly* less adorable if he were a midget

A little bit about me.

Pun O'Clock

Gross.

Dear Stacey-

Mean Girls Don't Stop

A documentary for right meow

Treat Yourselves

Comfortable situations are foreign to me

This makes me sad

Yikes.

Trying.

Sometimes its right on

Dear Job,

Eternal Damnation

Sir Farts Alot

Blah

I need to grow up

Epp-A-Dem-Ick

D-effing-lightful!

Ready to feel good about life?

3/28-4/16

Old people + the internet= GOLD MINE!!!

The distance between us is ever so apparent...

An Important Message From Vex and the City

Hahahahahahahhaha!

Wow

Happy Friday Everyone!

Some good news-

WTF Detroit?!?!

In Exactly One Year-

Memories

First off-

Well, its finally happened.

Enough already.

Also-

What the Fuck, Union Square?

If you can watch this without laughing, you aren't human:

Merry Christmas!

'Twas the night before Christmas...

}: |

3 days to go

***BIG NEWS***

Last Night-

The Holidays, Part 2

Metabolize This

Best. Day. EVER!!!!

9 more to go

Grab-ass Galore!

I Heart NY

Death becomes me

Dear employer and all 7 of my bosses,

Oh, kewl.

Uh, no thank you.

One of these days, I just might

Yay!!!!

201

The Holidays, Part I

Crap!

A Regret.

I really am an asshole.

I've Been Challenged!

Long before Sandler's Piece of Shit Car, der were Da Yoopers

Oh look, its Pikachu!!!

Why are the gays SO hot?

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!

This would be slightly less adorable if he were a midget

BIG NEWS

I would love to help you manage your millions.